Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
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“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
The Sun’s probably Asian.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place