Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
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I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Bloody internet 😳
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.