Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture