Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

me opening up to someone

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday