Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.