Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
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Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries