Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
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Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.