Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
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god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Good morning.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one