Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
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Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
my first dose meeting my second
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.