Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

Bless you

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”