Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve