Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

IT’S-A ME,

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

😂

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs