gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
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There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie