Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
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[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Just did a big green poo by a canal
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits