me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
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I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
me when I see my crush
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it