Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

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me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me


Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges


God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No


Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.


Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.


Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it