Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
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*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
#SuperBowl
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Baller is short for ballerina
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Lmbo
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru