Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”