gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats