Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

is this store having a stroke wtf

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES