Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

❤️🦆

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having