Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

My brain is a bad influence on me

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before