Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.