Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more