Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion