Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
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Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
my proudest tweet
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Pass gas, not judgment.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud