Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
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My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
want me to check your oil?
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.