Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

Ah yes. The three genders

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.