Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

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[puts in hearing aid]
aids aids aids aids aids
[takes out hearing aid]


I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.


2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.


Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.


Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?


I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.


If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.


I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.


Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?


People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?