Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Yup!
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?