Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
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Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…