Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
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A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.