If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Meanwhile in Portland…
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.