Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
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Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”