Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
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I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
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