Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
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My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
nothing saves money like being antisocial
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Admin smashed it 😂
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*