Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

Dear Lord..

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

I’m not average. I’m mean.

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

wtf

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..