Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
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Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs