Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

I identify as an antique shop.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar