Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
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[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Hell yeah 👍
