Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
You Might Also Like
How it started: How it’s going:
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Moms. The original autocorrect.