Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
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Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
is this a warning or an offer?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked