Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.