Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

How animals would run if they were human

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest