Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
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Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined