Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Good morning.

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.