Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
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What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
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Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
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On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work