Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
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When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money