Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
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[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
im gay on my mothers side
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident