Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
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My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
58.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.