Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
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First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
bout dat hot dog summer
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510