Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
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Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles