Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.