Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
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A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I only say stupid things when I talk.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.