Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

a fate I wish upon no one

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.