Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”