Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!