Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.