Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

My current situation

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.