Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
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Clients after you give them your rates
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
The USS B port
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!