Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
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Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Friday