Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*