Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.