Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
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Tier 3 meme
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Fries, not lies.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural