Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
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When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
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Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Still my favourite meme.
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Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!