Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*