gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
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Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth