gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
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[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
How tf did it end up there?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!