gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
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I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
tourist season
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*