Good advice.
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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
problems i need
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]