Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

We cut our bangs at dawn.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

dads on road-trips be like

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.