good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
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I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”