Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.