Good boy 😂😂
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Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I told my vodka about you.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history