Good boy 😂😂
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I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then