Good boy 😂😂
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I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?