Good boy 😂😂
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Money is the root of all wealth
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”