Good boy 馃槀馃槀
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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it鈥檚 a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I鈥檓 fine with you not liking my tweets, as I鈥檓 adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they鈥檙e too big and they鈥檙e only getting bigger.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it鈥檚 burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm鈥an you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
*mops up wine with cat*
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I鈥檒l settle for one of yours.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that鈥檚 not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma鈥檚 trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma鈥檚 dead hon
Me: That鈥檚 why I鈥檓 yelling
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?