Good boy 😂😂
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You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
This is the one
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back