“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
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“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic