[good cop] admit you stole those diamonds
[suspect] wait but I peed on them so now they’re mine
[dog cop] Jim he has a point

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[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that ūüėČ

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay


I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store


and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”


*Holding my newborn son*

Wife: What about Mike?

Me: Yeah that’s it, great name!

*Drops Mike*


I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.


Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.


*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?


Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.


ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!


Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.