her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[good cop] admit you stole those diamonds
[suspect] wait but I peed on them so now they’re mine
[dog cop] Jim he has a point
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
*Holding my newborn son*
Wife: What about Mike?
Me: Yeah that’s it, great name!
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.