Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

Accurate

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

Tremendous stuff

is this a threat

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.