*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
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Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?